When I Fail to Thank You

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To my husband.

Our days are long. We start four hours before the sun gets up and we end four hours after the sun goes down. We run 100mph all day long and have nothing left to give each other by the end of the day.

In fact, we crash on the sofa once the kids are out and I usually wake you up after an hour or so and in a tired, groggy voice tell you “let’s just go to bed”.

Husband. I love you. I really do, but when it’s 10pm and we’ve been up for 18 hours, I want my bed more than anything. I wish I had more to offer to you. Instead you come home to a stressful, cranky, overtired household at the end of every day.

If I say, “can we try again tomorrow”, will you believe me? I want to be alone with you just as much, but sometimes by the end of the day, I can’t imagine having someone else touch me AGAIN.

I’m tired.

REAL. TIRED.

Life has us stretched thin in every direction imaginable. We talk about your job, the stress of your job, the children, and every day life but never about us.

Remember when we used to stay up late at night and early into the wee hours of the day and imagine life  and our future? I don’t remember picturing exhaustion and our marriage being on the back burner.

And yes, it’s safe to say: our marriage is on the back burner right now. We have life, jobs, and children standing between us and it’s hard.

I miss you.

I miss our late night conversations and our early morning dreams. I miss being spontaneous and getting ice cream at 11pm because we had no responsibilities. I miss falling asleep with my head on your chest. Now I get knocked in the face by a diaper butt.

The Honest Truth.

I don’t know when this craziness will end. In fact, given our circumstances of having two under two, your crazy military career, and my constant need of change, we may never end up living a down-to-earth-quiet-lifestyle.

But dear husband, even though life has us in hoops and loops and all sorts of messes, I love what you have given me. You gifted me with two beautiful children, a home to live in, food for every meal, and much more.

My heart is overwhelmed with gratitude for all the beauties you’ve given me. I’m sorry for the times I’m beat up, dead exhausted and can’t give you more. Truth is, time is flying by and I don’t always remember to take time to thank you.

I’ve changed. You’ve changed. We’ve both changed in the past 4 years.

You’ve seen my ugly. I’ve seen your ugly. We have our vulnerable moments, but we still love each other and that’s why we need each other.

The truth is, sometimes I get angry at you because I expect you to make me feel a certain way. It’s not your job and I realize that now. And I’m sorry in the mess, the chaos, the unexplainable emotional rollercoaster day-to-day mess that I give you my worst.

So right now I want you to know that you are my favorite. And when the ugly, messy, imperfect, piece of crap moments happen, I want you to know that I chose you. When I struggle (because you know I do) and when I fail, and when I want to give up, I’m going to hold onto you.

———

You are my favorite person to live with. When I think of relaxation, cozy clothes, and lounging around, I think of you. You are my go-to person, my man, my 100%.

You are my favorite person to laugh with. When I think of happiness, I think of you. I love being teased by you and also teasing you. The lightheartedness gets me every time.

You are my favorite person to cry with.  Remember that time you held my hand when I sat on the toilet passing our heaven baby, or the time you kissed my forehead as I cried when our first baby was born? I do the ugly cry and I do it with you.

You are my favorite person to goof around with. I don’t care if it’s midnight on a Friday night and the kids  finally sleeping and we haven’t had any time together all week. So heck, let’s watch a movie, get the ice cream, and splurge together. You’re worth it.

You are my favorite hello, and hardest goodbye. Hands down, single most hardest action ever. ‘Nuff said.

You are my favorite surprise. Seeing you at the end of every day is great. Or coming home with my favorite drink or treat…you get me every time. You surprise me every day with your parenting skills, the way you love me.

You are my favorite person to parent with. I know we often get frustrated with each other and the kids because we hardly know what we’re doing. Sometimes I feel way over my head at this whole parenting thing, I know you do too. But you’re rocking it and figuring it out with you, is the best.

And so today and every single day we get, I choose you.

Honestly, I didn’t know what kind of parent you’d be. I imagined you’d be pretty darn perfect at it (just like you’re perfect at most things).  I didn’t know exactly how amazing you’d be during the good and bad times or how strong you’d be during our weak moments. I didn’t know how stable of a guy you’d be during the ugly.

I know you often question yourself, because I can see it through your eyes. Stop. You’re doing amazing. You’ve done so, so, so well and I’m over my head thankful I chose you.

You’ve been my best yes, and my forever yes.

 

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