Those moments.

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Baby has been on me all day long. He follows me to the bathroom. He follows me to the kitchen. He snatches my food and he wipes his boogies on my shirt. Baby follows me everywhere. And then it’s finally bedtime. I nurse and nurse and nurse and nurse until he finally doses off. I then rock him, and rock him some more until he seems completely wiped out. I lay him down in the crib because tonight it feels like a crib night and not a right away in the bed with mommy kind of night. He’s barely out of my arms and he’s already wide awake (how does that happen?) and now it’s almost 11pm in Germany and he’s hanging out with my brother. Maybe it’s the excitement of wanting to see his uncle. I don’t know. Honestly, these moments frustrate me. I just want a sleepy baby for once. I want some alone Vanessa time. I want at least thirty minutes to myself before the end of the day. But then I remember that a mom’s job never ends. And so I still mom tonight even though the night is late.

Will he have a hard time adjusting back to his previous nighttime schedule once I get back? I fear that transition and difficult adjustment. I’m scared of the many tearful nights again, both from mommy and baby. I don’t know. These moments frustrate me. I try and not let it get to me. I try and stay chill and remind myself he’s just a baby. He doesn’t know how to feel at times and he can’t tell me if he’s cold, achy, overtired, scared, or lonely. As a mom I have to guess all of these emotions and those moments are tough. I don’t know what he feels. I can only go by what I see and what I feel.

Tonight I sit in the dark in frustration and desperation for some answers with this sleeping issue. I want to sleep and I want my baby to sleep. And as he’s now fussing, I will go to him again and give him what he wants most because as a baby sometimes that’s all you can communicate and as a mom you must know it all.

Give me the patience and strength tonight, Jesus. I need it most.

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